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search4virtue
24 November 2006 @ 06:53 pm
ONE MONTH TILL CHRISTMAS EVE!!!!!


Christmas Elf Name

My Christmas Elf Name is
Get your Christmas Elf Name at JokesUnlimited.com
 
 
search4virtue
22 November 2006 @ 03:07 am
when will it be over... for the love of jebus!! i know that i only have technically 5 days of classes left... but it feels like it's going on forever! and yet it seems like it's all going to be going so fast that i have to get enough money for the flight and set myself up for the first month... what if i don't come by the cash? then what... die..? because the idea off staying here or missing new years with him.. what am i working towards? i can cope without school but i can't cope without a plan a goal.. but an obainable goal.. i guess i will make the money in the amount of time i have.. i can do it. i have to....
 
 
search4virtue
10 November 2006 @ 01:40 am
couldn't help it.. i had to do it again now that i had pictures that were better... and look what happened..






apparently i'm still pretty asian...
 
 
search4virtue
09 November 2006 @ 03:44 am
ok so the drugs made me sleep a lot and not care and now i can't seem to sleep at all.. thinking about going back on them just to get some shut eye and not give a shit what i'm missing... of course i won't.. i don't think. stuffs ok i guess.. dec is getting really close and the idea that i could be out there with him soon is all to exciting..
 
 
search4virtue
31 October 2006 @ 03:20 am
so come on and cry ophelia, it's the only thing to do sometimes
i'm crying too, i'm right here with you
it's alright ophelia, everybody cries

ok so i found this beautiful spot. it's down by the creek that runs by the homestead. if you wander along this path you can get right down by the water and this willow tree. and from the path it looks dirty cause of grafiti on the railing and mud in the water. but when you get down there and you stand in the shelter of the willow tree it's beautiful. i have the pictures to prove it. and it makes me think that it's the spot she's talking about.. in "lion in the streets" one character is dying and she asks a friend to help her kill herself and she wants to do it just like ophelia, like this poster of ophelia she was given as a teen. and her friend describes the place a dirty and filthy and gross but this woman only see it as this natural beauty. as this safe oasis. and although i don't want to drown myself i understand what she is talking about, how peaceful it would be. ok enough morbidity.. the point was it's beautiful


felt: better today.. today was a day with ration and logic... my body doesn't give me that everyday so today was a good day.... i officially moved all my crap out of the stead.. that was sad but i'll be ok, you wanna know why cause i'm being rational... :D
 
 
Current Music: about to watch veronica mars
 
 
 
search4virtue
21 October 2006 @ 03:16 am
so what do you do when writhing on your bed while you cry so hard you laugh and laugh so hard you cry is the only way you feel you can possibly express what is going on inside... when tensing up every muscle and pulling at the bed and crying out is all you can think to do... this sounds like an orgasm now that i see it in writing...

but alas it is the last thing from that wonderful release

you write in an lj thats what you do because you can only writhe and cry and wait for it to be light or for the gym to open for so long. the worst part is that it still comes to my head... don't eat and you'll feel better... if you were skinny you'd be happy... and the even worse part is that i no longer have the strength and restraint to do that... who ever had an eating disorder disorder?... seriously...
i know i'm not fat don't get me wrong... but it's still the first thing to come to my head after a storm, the moment it stands still.

AAAAHHHHHHI AM TRYING SO HARD TO GET AWAY FROM THINGS I THINK MAKE ME SAD AND RUN TOWARDS THINGS I THINK WILL MAKE ME HAPPY .... BUT I AM GETTING LOST ON THE WAAAAHHHHHYYYY!!!!!! WHEREWHATWHOHOWWHATWHEREHOWWHAAAAAHHHHHHHT!!!!!!

it's standing still again

maybe it'll work, maybe it'll all come together... maybe i wish it were all a little easier
 
 
search4virtue
06 October 2006 @ 10:01 pm
very alberta-home sick today...

i miss waking up to the mountains
i miss breathing clean air
i miss living in that tiny cabin room with mark
i miss laughing with friends
i miss feeling on track
i miss i miss i miss


felt: like i wanna stay in my room
 
 
search4virtue
18 September 2006 @ 05:16 pm
i feel like writing right now.. but i can't be bothered....

felt: tired, lack of motivation, lack of direction, lack of my man, lack of my family, lack of my friends, lack of money, lack of time .. the only thing i have an abundance of right now and thank heavens for it, is kitten love... oh i forgot to mention earlier i got a kitten. her name is Isosceles , mark and i named her.
 
 
search4virtue
03 September 2006 @ 02:59 am
ok so i realized that i never let you know what happened to the end of my stay in jasper.... so i was living the good life. adventure, friends and love. and then i started getting migraines, stomachaches, bad back aches, nausea (sp)... which i thought were just side effects from my monthly curse. but when that was finished and the symptoms continued i went to see the doctor. it turned out that i had a severe sinus infection and a bladder infection. so i took a couple days off work while on my meds because the migraines and nausea were so bad from the synus infection and they had given me T3's for the pain. but when 4 days had passed and i was still like shit i took a few more days off. i then tried to go to work on the morning before my new doc appt (because he said if i wasn't better 100% in a week to come back) but that went horribly bad. i was dizzy, exhausted, and felt ill. when i went to the doctors they sent me for blood work ... which freaked me out (i hate needles)and it was scary not knowing why i wasn't getting better or what was really wrong. it was the best blood i've ever given.. ok that sounds weird but the guy was good at it and i didn't cry (while he was doing it). the results came back the next day and i had mono. now my mother had suggested already that i come home early, and so did the doc once she saw mono... so with the thought that i couldn't work, that i had to pay for living costs, that i had to get better and get ready for school, i decided to break contract and head home. a hard decision seeing as i would be leaving mark a week and a half early, not going on the canoe trip (which would have been impossible with mono) and missing our drive to calgary which was supposed to include a castle mountain hike and floating on lake louise in the club 200 (ha!). i was to take the grey hound on sat (aug 19th) morning at 6 then a shuttle to the airport in edmonton then the flight home at 5 pm and then home.. but by chance on the wed night i mentioned to emily that i was flying out of edmonton on the 19th, and apparently so was she except she was driving up on the fri and staying in a hotel (car and hotel paid for by her dad) and she asked if i wanted to join and all i had to do was chip in gas money.. it was a wonderful and generous offer which i gladly accepted. and that's how it went down, on the friday we stopped into west-ed for a few hours which was nice and then the 5 hour wait i had in the airport from my check out time to my flight time went by pretty quickly. now i am just 2 and half days away from seeing mark again and we've already added a new trip (possibly 2) into our year plan. i move all my stuff in tomorrow and i am very excited, i think i am going to get a kitten for sure and i will figure out how to pay for it later... i'm going to head to bed now, plenty to do tomorrow

felt: nervous about the approaching auditions and my unpreparedness.... anxious to get my room set up and ready for mark to come
 
 
Current Music: the brilliant dance - dashboard confessional
 
 
search4virtue
24 August 2006 @ 05:47 am


ok... now i've really gone to far but when i tired this i couldn't resist putting it on here... apparently i'm asian.. hehe